If I forget about the fear of dying

April 4, 2008 at 8:09 pm Leave a comment

If I forget about the fear of dying, there is nothing left to do, but enjoy each moment as it appears. Sometimes it is necessary to stumble and fall in order to stop and ask, “Where am I going?” It is the bumps in the road that renew our strength to continue the journey with purpose. The people most entertaining to us are not those who live life perfectly. We learn from watching others make the mistakes we are too afraid to attempt ourselves.

The hero of the story is always innocent in the beginning. We are all the heroes of our own story. Each of us begins with innocence and then experience teaches us caution and wariness. The heroes that inspire me are the people I’ve met in my life whose light outshines the trials they have overcome.

I threw off the idea as an adolescent that somewhere out in the world Disney’s prince charming was waiting to swoop in and rescue me. I wanted to be the hero of my own story. The daring princess who escapes the tower on the back of the dragon set to guard her by the witch. Yet rather than taking revenge and burning down the castle that held me prisoner, I’d rather work to transform its purpose. In order to make that happen, I need help from people with skills I don’t possess.

After more solitary years than most people would ever imagine surviving, I am just beginning to learn how to live with other people without fearing they will do everything possible to shame and embarrass me into submission. While all my working life has been spent in performance jobs where I am paid to be entertaining, I am not someone’s “performance pet.” I do not belong to one person or company who tells me what to do, but have struggled to maintain my freedom to choose where to share my talents and survive that way. Now I am faced with the challenge that in order to reach my next set of goals, I will need to work in partnership with at least one other person again. Ciro and I managed four years of travel on the road, but this new project involves a different skill set and different talents. (Yet, I can’t help missing Ciro’s rock steady driving skills and organization that allowed me to relax while travelling.) It’s been seven years since he chose a different path, and I’ve spent the time learning and growing and preparing for something new. The question is…when will it finally be time to start the adventure? If I forget about the fear of dying, there is all the time in the world, yet my feet are itching in this spring weather to get moving. I’m still learning patience.

My name means “to try to hold together,” and that seems my best purpose. Whether through writing or acting or music or simply listening, the whirlwind of my soul wishes for life to move harmoniously.

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Entry filed under: Poetry.

On vacation at the Sacramento Jazz Festival with Firecrackers

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